Drove a colleague/friend back home. After a while, looking ahead, she whispered

Hajar, pernah tak terima news kematian orang terdekat dengan you? Close friend ke, family ke ...

*got caught in good long thought*

I remember this part quite clearly, I didn't want to lose what I felt that day. It happened in 2011, I even mentioned it once here: No Title. It wasn't a death one, and I didn't even know why she asked. But whatever that made her ask that personal question, I wanted to calm her down. It might be something, it might also be nothing, so I told her this.

No actually. Tak pernah. But there was once my dad got into accident masa outstation, and that alone got me off guard. I was in my final sem degree, finishing up the group report bagai. Got the call from my mom, I terduduk dan terdiam. He was driving to Perak and hujan and the car skidded and crashed. My head was spinning, but she said that everything was fine and that he only patah kaki. Knowing how my mom would always bermanis kata untuk tak bagi I risau, I couldn't believe her. There must be more to it, I was sure. My eyes started to well up. And I still terdiam, serabut a bit sebab I really couldn't calm myself down my dad accident and sebab this group paper is due soon. So I cried and cried, and she kept on convincing that he was alright, just went into operation theater untuk betulkan the kaki. But all I heard was 'operation', and I lagi nangis.

Ok ok you know what. Book a bus ticket, my mom said. Come here and see him for yourself. Bring your report with you, finish it up after he is out from the operation. He can actually be discharged tomorrow, but we plan to stay here a few nights so pack some clothes too.

Listening to that instruction was a relief, man. Huge relief. I could see my dad and still finish up the work. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears and pulled myself together. Grabbed the keys to my Kancil, went to the bus station and booked a ticket to Ipoh. Went back home, packed my things, said short goodbye to close friends, and took the bus. True enough, he only patah kaki and my dad was smiling. Good God, alhamdulillah.

But you know, from that day onward, I realized now why Allah gave that 'terduduk' moment. He could take my parents away anytime, He really can, masyaAllah. If the accident boleh buat I terduduk, macam mana pulak adik-adik? How would they feel or react kalau betul our parents pass away before us? Ara manja. She's a tough cookie, she really is but at times she can easily break down. Sofia, hands down is emotional. So I can only rely on Bais if this happens masa kte tak kuat. He is strong enuf to be the doer, and I would imitate and do whatever he is doing. You know, untuk handle the pengurusan: mandian, kapan, semua. Then the next few months nanti macam mana pulak? Kte sulung, kte sedar sekarang yang kte have to be strong one no matter what. And training myself to be one is difficult. Imagining my parents dead, imagining adik-adik mourning. I don't think I'll ever be ready, to be the rock or to even face the death.




Initially I wanted to calm my friend down by telling such personal experience. Now I didn't know why I said all that. Instead, I was the one being calmed. Allah's hidayah comes in many forms. This time, He gave me a friend who looks at things differently. Because she then talked about her discussion with her fiance, the 'what if' and what to do if one of them passes away. A healthy discussion, I should say. And that discussion got me good. You see, it's not easy to deal with this alone, like what I've been doing. It hasn't been working all this time. I easily welled-up and got all sobbing, and I immediately dismissed the idea, not even thinking about it totally. Great work, hajar.

But how do I actually start this conversation with adik-adik?