I'm in love with The Loaf
and everything we had the other day.
With what I felt that day.
With the way you made me feel that day.
Betul. Allah pinjamkan rasa ini untuk saya hari itu, melalui awak.
Moga Allah izinkan saya untuk simpan rasa ini, dan memayungi awak dengan kasihNya sentiasa.

Let's go again some time.

a letter for the future

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), these are your aunties and uncle. 

Should you find yourselves in frustration when arguing with me, always turn to them. They will be the ones in agreement of how stubborn I am/was. Of how my fuse can be easily triggered into temper. Of how easily I forget how to love people around me. 

They will teach you so much about love and life. About ups and downs. About family and friends. They will pull you out when you fall into a dark hole. And they will remind you that they love you over and over again. 

Then they will hug you and take you to the movies and sing few songs and whatnot. If you're too young, an ice cream should do. The flavour is on you. 

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), 

currently I am in no position to say what kind of mother I will be. I'm learning so much, so much so, I think that being a mother is scaring the hell out of me. 

But I do know that your future father and I could make a good team in raising you up. He said that himself. It is my prayer all night too. To give you pocket money to school, to surround you with good friends, to show you how amazing Rasul Allah and his sahabats are, to teach you eating manners, and other manners for that matter whether in actions or in words. 

I may trip and stumble when saying all of this, and my actions may prove the opposite. But I hope that you'll come back to me, and I could come back to you. Talk about what upsets you, and what upsets me. We can compromise. Edward Cullen taught me that. 

"It's okay. You have given me options that you can live with. I chose the one that I can live with. It's called compromise." 

Can't believe I remember his words. Let alone quoting him here. But he's a gentleman. I like the way he sees things. 

Let's build a mahligai yang disukai Allah. 

Lots of love from your nervous future mother, 

me. 

rindu itu terkadang tak kenal tempat dan masa

Hati tertaut pada Melbourne.
Pada kawan seperjuangan yang petah, bijak bicara.
Pada gelak tawa tika bertukar kisah air mata.
Pada rakan yang mengingatkan kita kenapa kita diturunkan dari syurga yang sempurna. Yang mengajar kita di mana manisnya persahabatan. Dan rindu itu semahunya diluahkan. Diceritakan. Tapi siapa yang nak dengar?
Lalu Allah kirimkan dia untuk berbual dan menarik semula saya ke tanah. Telah jauh saya dibuai kealpaan bayu. MasyaAllah. Allah buang alpa saya tentang Dia. Buang alpa saya tentang kemanisan itu. Maha Besar Dia tahu macam mana nak pujuk saya. Lembut saya ditarik.

Benar. Mungkin saya rindu berbicara denganNya. Mengadu domba dan bercerita denganNya. Rindu pada rakan yang mengaitkan kisah 2014 dengan kisah para Rasul.

Good friends, good company.

so soon

Bella Swan, Eclipse. 

Oh Allah,

Is it possible to see the worst in someone and be able to look in the eyes with love fillah and not hatred?

Is it possible to see the worst in someone and be able to look in the eyes with love fillah and teach with patience?

Is it possible to see the worst in someone and be able to look in the eyes with love fillah and speak softly?

Oh Allah,

Is it possible to love someone fillah despite everything? Despite being ignored and the rude jeling and the harsh words? Is it possible?


Take me there, Allah. Please. Take us all there.



Mahalnya syurga Allah. 

"Eh comelnya gambar baby!!"

looks at the picture.

"Aisya, aisya da tegur la gambar ni. Sebelum aisya fly lagi. Aisya tak ingat? Aisya kata baby ni comel."

don't remember.

"Ingat pulak adha yang aisya cakap camtu."

"Ingatla. Masa tu first time aisya masuk office. I kan jenis observe."

Dia nak datang raya. 

*kemas kemas*

parting is such sweet sorrow

At the airport.

A girl and four boys, saying goodbyes.

She came to me then. It was my turn to say goodbye. "You were right before," she said. "About me blushing." Her eyes didn't meet mine.

Oh?

"Is it because they're here for you, to say goodbye?" I asked.

Short pause. Her cheeks gone deep red. She looked down at the floor. 

"... because one of them is."

I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and I was about to jump up and down. 'Was about to', because I had a second thought. She and I aren't that close to begin with, we don't share the same opinions. I don't like what she likes, and she doesn't like what I like. In fact, it has actually come down to me staying on 'agreeing to disagree' path whenever possible. Everything else is just an oh-kay kinda thing.

Back to the bridesmaid topic. She then further explained that most of her friends and/or cousins are already engaged or pregnant or have become wives or have boyfriends, so I was the one 'single and available'. Talk about being totally literate here, smmack downnn.

Forget about jumping up and down, I was shattered. I shouldn't be, since I knew I couldn't accept her request in the first place. Let alone digesting her terribly sorry reasons. Wedding is a once in a lifetime thing, generally speaking. It's a one whole day event, or in her case three. We both are fairly close. I wouldn't know how to make her happy on her happy day, or calm her down when she's nervous. I don't want her to be upset with me on her most memorable day if things go wrong and I was one who couldn't give her the best way out ('if' is there). I wouldn't want just anyone to be by my side, if it were me choosing one.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is that I don't care if she didn't choose me in the first place. But the fact that I was chosen due to kawan da kawin la, cousin pregnant la. And what's wrong with asking aunties to be one? "Ish taknak la, dalam gambar nanti tak cantik." What about friends from Bachelor years or the newly wedded or engaged? "Tak boleh, nanti husband dia sorang2 je masa majlis tu nanti macam mana."

The worst part was that she doesn't seem to feel like her reasons are bad. Like hell man, you have one totally twisted, screwed up mind set. Apparently kawan yang tengah pregnant or aunties can't make beautiful bridesmaids. And p/s: kalau si isteri tu agree jadi bridesmaid, 1) sah sah la dia da dapat keizinan suami, and 2) pandai la suami mingle dengan boys lain masa majlis nanti. Kalau betul si suami tak boleh bawak diri, mesti la dia tak izinkan in the first place. Lulz. It's not up to you untuk decide pun. And p/s: kawan wouldn't mind to be your bridesmaid even if she's already married. Like duhh. "Oh tak boleh. Nanti suami dia sorang2 nanti." Seriously??

I didn't have these answers to say it back to her when she asked me that night. And these thoughts came in after a few days of consideration, and in the end I had decided that I wanted to help her. I told myself that I didn't have to 'be' a bridesmaid, I just have to be her friend in a fancy schmancy dress and help her for her big day to work. Takde orang lain dah if I tolak, and it wouldn't be fair to her if I back out last minute. Putting aside: that I was a last resort, that her justifications were horrible and that somehow the 'single and available' phrase sounded like a mockery. Baik kan.

Did you notice that everything is still in the past tense? Turns out that I won't be helping her after all. My 'replacement' told me that. Tadaa.

Betul bila orang kata bab kawin ni payah. Culture vs Religion. What is wanted vs what is expected. Who am I to have a say or condemn her words. Or reasons. I'm not in her position. Heck, ade orang yang tukar jadi bridezilla even before the wedding day. My stand here may not be strong, but yours is just as flawed.


Another piece of heart. Pardon me.

"Flirting is new to me, but I like it."

-Hazel Graze, 

The Fault In Our Stars. 

dulu lain. sekarang lain.

When you have time, 

do read this 

In The Pursuit of Marriage

responsibility

"Dengan kesibukan study di sini; assignment, final exams, lectures, etc, macam mana kita nak allocate masa kita untuk belajar agama jugak?"


"You see, Muhammad saw, in my opinion, back in his entire days, has exhausted any excuse that we can possibly think of. Kita nak kata oh saya takde masa, nak study nak study? No. Cuba tengok tanggungjawab yang dia pikul selama itu. Dia suami. Suami, bukan pada seorang isteri. Lebih dari seorang isteri. Do you realize how big the responsibility is to take care of just one woman? And I am not asking in a negative way, but for a man to take care and make all the wives happy, that's just ... amazing. And that is time management in one aspect. Dia rasul, menyeru sana sini pada kaum munafik. Dia ayah, dia uncle. Dia kawan, and he was able to make anyone, I mean anyone who met him feel like they are his best friend. His best friend! How could you manage time that well?"

Aiman Azlan, 24

Cabaran Generasi Muda Islam Pada Hari Ini

Kuliah Mega Melbourne, May 31st 2014

Muhammad saw is like the walking Quran.
bila hidup berpandukan al-Quran dan Sunnah,
pandangan dan cara berfikir jadi lebih positif.

semakin jauh

Oh Allah, allow the eyes to see the beauty of Your creations and arrangements. The heart to feel the sweetness of Your obligations. The words to always praise You every moment possible, because no amount of gratitude would suffice to make up for everything that You have given to me, and for every shame that You have protected for me. Ameen.

Him: Ugh! Fuck you.

Her: Hey what did I do this time?

Him: Because of you I'm falling more and more in love with you.

Her: Hey, don't blame me. Blame the guy who served us both that fruit punch just now.

Him: Yea, well fuck him too.

the most beautiful gift

Allah swt hadiahkan pengalaman Isra' Mi'raj untuk Muhammad saw,

kerana kekasihNya sedih bila wafatnya dua insan yang cukup disayanginya: Siti Khadijah ra, dan Abu Talib.


Teladan. Siapa kata istiqamah itu mudah. Perit. Jadi, selalu ingat cinta Dia pada hambaNya, Dia nak yang terbaik buat kita. Pengalaman yang Muhammad saw dapat, buraq dan batu pun tak dapat ikut. Hadiah.


Kecapi cinta Dia :)

Spears is right.

there is only two types of people in the world.


the one that knows you the best and always says the right thing,

and the one that is slowly getting to know you and it makes you feel special,

and the one that sees who you are and makes you shine even more,

and the one that knows your hideous past and still hugs you tightly,

and the one that realizes that you are different somehow, and doesn't know how to react.




really.

there's only two types of people in the world.

niat

"Demi Allah, tiada siapa ku dengar menyebut-nyebut wafatnya Rasulullah, melainkan ku pancung kepalanya dengan pedang ku ini!" 

Sungguh Umar al-Khattab begitu marah apabila tersebar khabar bahawa Rasul Allah telah menemui ajal dan wafat. Begitu besar cintanya pada Kekasih Allah, hingga mahu memancungkan sesiapa yang membawa berita itu. Dan apabila khabar tersebut disahkan sendiri oleh Abu Bakar as-Siddiq, perasaan kebingungan dan sedih yang amat menyelubungi dia dan para sahabat. Umat Islam jadi kucar; ramai yang keluar dari Islam, ada yang mengaku sebagai nabi. Namun, Abu Bakar mengawal situasi, mententeramkan keadaan itu dengan nasihat yang begitu indah:

"Wahai manusia, sesungguhnya sesiapa yang menyembah Muhammad, kini Muhammad telah mati. Dan sesiapa yang menyembah Allah, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Hidup. Baginda tidak lain, hanyalah seorang Rasul, seorang manusia, dan berlalu sebelumnya rasul-rasul. Adakah apabila beliau mati atau dibunuh maka kamu berpaling dari ajarannya dan murtad? Dan ketahuilah bahawa sesiapa yang berpaling murtad sedikit pun tidak memberi mudarat pada Allah, dan Allah akan memberi balasan kepada orang-orang yang bersyukur (ali-Imran, 144)."




So reflect how you got here, and ask why you choose to stay. Perbetulkan dan perbaharui niat itu.

the last piece of the heart

You see, I wasn't good at handling matters on my own at that time. My temper was all over the place. I didn't know how to deal with people who pushed me into doing things that I didn't like. I didn't know how to act all positive and sunshine after having a bad day. And at the same time, I didn't like the way you talked about other people. The way you were being negative about things around you. How you always thought that people like to burden you unnecessarily. I didn't like listening to your complaints and ramblings about those things, and my patience was not helping either. That was why I was always quiet around you, and I knew that since then, the silence has been misunderstood.

In other words, I had a bad judgment of you. The criticism you put on me every time I wanted advice had been so discouraging, they didn't make you seemed like a 'healthy' friend for me at that time. At the same time, I had displayed you more of my negative side than I should have as your healthy friend. For that, I am truly sorry.

That was a few years ago, and I can't in any way change your perspective on me. Anything I do would seem fake or not good enough. Or maybe it's because we haven't spoken in a while. So I am sorry about that too. But I like the person I'm becoming more and more. There are lots to work on, and I'm happy about it. About working on it. Allah's plan works wonders; it never ceases to amaze me. I'll give you that. May He shower His mercy and blessing. I don't have anything to prove to you, and I'm not going to either.



Hehe. I don't know who's reading this, but it'll be the first, after many many many months, and the last time that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Till then *smiley*

answering a question about being picky when choosing a lifetime partner ... 



"My brothers. Would you like to be married to a rich widow, who is 15 years older than you and already has 4 children?

No?

That's sad, man. You've just turned down Siti Khadijah ra."




... and it got the whole room completely silent.

Sheikh Alaa Elsayed, alKauthar Institute. 

Parenting Matters course. 

manisnya sahabat

berhenti berharap

Kecewanya sang isteri apabila sang suami tidak membantunya untuk bangun semula ketika dia terjatuh ke lantai. Termangu dia sebentar. Lutut tercalar, kaki sedikit lebam. Ingatnya, suami kesayangan itu akan patah balik dan memapahnya berdiri. Namun tiada apa-apa dari suami yang dikasihinya.

Berhentilah berharap. Kelak kamu dikecewakan. Allah memberimu apa yang kamu harapkan sesuai mengikut keredhaanNya dan keperluanmu. Dengan itu, kamu akan bersangka baik dengan apa yang diberikanNya kerana itu adalah yang terbaik buat kamu dan apa yang diberikan itu adalah melalui redhaNya.



Ustazah Halimah Alaydrus.

Fly Me To The Moon

"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. 

Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars."

"Marriage isn't about being happy. 

It's about glorifying your Creator."

:)

let's go home. You and me.
let's go back to Jannah.

kahwin

Semua orang kata titik tolak perubahan seseorang bermula bila dia masuk alam perkahwinan.

Dia mula setia.
Dia menjaga solat 5 waktu.
Dia lebih membataskan diri dengan bukan muhrim.
Dia berhenti merokok dan lepak.
Dia lebih bersabar.
Dia jaga kata-kata dia. Takut nanti anak-anak terikut rude words.


Tapi bagaimana keadaan dia sebelum dia berkahwin?
Ketika dia single dan available.
Ketika dia masih menetap di rumah ibu bapa dia.
Adakah tutur kata dia baik-baik?
Adakah solat dia penuh dan terjaga?
Adakah dia bersopan dengan ibu bapanya?
Bagaimana pula masa dia bersendirian dalam bilik? Apa yang dia buat?


Nampak gayanya tidak ada manusia yang sempurna. Semua ada kisah silam, dan semua inginkan future yang baik. Inginkan isteri yang baik, suami yang baik. Tak salah kan. After all, dia yang akan jadi the other parent untuk mendidik anak-anak nanti. The better half. Tapi, adakah kita sendiri impikan dan sendiri berusaha ke arah perubahan baik itu sejak 5 tahun sebelum berkahwin?


Rasa macam dah belajar agama masa sekolah, dah kenal 25 Rasul dan ceritanya, dah tau enam rukun iman. Tapi sekarang pun masih sibuk menghafal lirik Timberlake. Masih bertepuk tampar dan tertawa seronok bila berkumpul lelaki perempuan. Subhanallah, punya luas ilmu Allah. Tapi takkan pernah cukup untuk kita selalu istiqamah dan consistent berbuat baik. Ade je benda yang membisik dan melekakan kita.


Should we blame the syaitan then?


Jika kita masih leka dan dibuai ketika masih single, macam mana kita nak mengharapkan perubahan diri sendiri semasa berkahwin? Memandangkan perubahan itu sifatnya gradual, kita takkan berubah seminggu selepas akad. So the better question is, adakah kita masih dahagakan ilmu untuk perbaiki diri kita even selepas beranak 3?


Manusia. Dulu lain, sekarang lain, nanti pun lain. Tapi perkahwinan tak menjanjikan perubahan yang baik. It all depends on who you strive to be bila bertemu dengan Allah di Hari Penentu, berkahwin atau tak.

second time

I didn't understand what it meant when I first saw the phrase a few years back. It's a different feeling having to read it again this time, posted by my amazing former practicum supervisor. And I praise Him time and time again for giving me this second chance. 

Telah Dia janjikan bahawa tidak berubah nasib seseorang itu melainkan jika dia berusaha untuk dapatkannya.

Dan hasil yang diberikan Allah dari usaha itu, itulah yang terbaik. Misi seterusnya adalah making full use of the hasil untuk membawa kita ke arah redha Allah pada hari akhirat.

Takutnya pada hari akhirat. Allah akan tanya apa yang tangan telah buat semasa dia berusaha di dunia. Ke mana kaki da berjalan. Apa yang mata telah tengok.

Allah bagi sempurna tangan, kaki, mata dan hati. Apa yang dia dah buat dengan nikmat itu? Belum lagi sentuh nikmat duit, adakah telah digunakan dengan halal dan bersedekah. Belum lagi sentuh nikmat anak, adakah telah dididik siapa Allah dan Muhammad. Belum lagi sentuh nikmat pendidikan, adakah telah dimanfaatkan ilmu dan mengajak manusia mencari rahmat Allah.

Banyak lagi kan nikmat yang Allah bagi. Banyak alhamdulillah yang kita sebut. Tapi kita belum mampu menguruskan nikmat dan rezeki ini dengan sempurna.

Diturunkan dari syurga, kita nak pulang ke syurga semula. Kita tak perfect; amal kita takkan pernah cukup untuk melayakkan kita masuk syurga Allah. Maka, niat dengan baik. Usahakan dengan baik. Tawakkal dengan baik. Hanya dengan redha Dia membolehkan kita pulang ke situ.

the big L

The infamous four-letter word.

It's a different feeling, this time.
I froze.

subhanallah.

betapa kayanya Engkau ya Rabb.

kerdil sungguh terasa.

i can't ask for better housemates. i can't.

bless them with Your rahmat, ya Rabb.

i can't thank them enough.

because after all those shitty things I did,
you stayed.





masyaAllah.

you stayed.





and now, i want to be the best. for you.