Stupid hajar never learns her lesson.

Whhyyy did I ever think that this time it would be different.

Never learns. Heck, becomes even more stupid than stupid.

20 Feb 2016

I still remember that day. 

Allah is the best planner, and His plan outcasts others. 

What was intended to be an intimate pertemuan dua family (his parents and siblings and mine) eventually became a small majlis. And alhamdulillah it was just as intimate as how I imagined it would be when I was having usrah in Melbourne. Cousins near and far came, Shaza and Wanie and Nadia, uncles and aunties. We even had Bais streaming live from Sydney via Skype. He wore green baju melayu; the same scheme that my sisters and parents were wearing! Oh soo much love for my boy :)

And everything else happened so fast. One minute I was in my room trying hard to eavesdrop, the next minute I was seated at our living room. The next thing I knew, his mother was sitting next to me and asked for my hand. Already! What had they discussed just now??

Trying to steady myself when she turned to me, and she had the engagement ring with her. We both locked our eyes down on my finger and the ring. Having the crowd before us, she then slowly slipped the engagement ring on my finger. With bismillah, she whispered just low enough for my ears to catch her words "I hereby tunangkan Hajar dengan Safwan."

Of all the things that were blurry for me, this I remember. It was out of the blue, and I felt this new burden fell onto my shoulder and onto my lap (and onto the ring!). Not a burden per se, but a new unfamiliar responsibility rushed into me when his mother lafaz just now. "I am now tunang orang" I said to myself. Aib dan hati sendiri kena jaga lebih, hati dia kena jaga, aib dia dan family kena jaga, aib family sendiri lebih lagi. Whoa. 

Moga Allah lindungi hati saya dan awak. Moga ada keberkatan Dia dalam majlis keramaian ini. Moga pertemuan hati-hati ini ada rahmat Dia, sentiasa di atas jalan Dia. 

alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah

(she actually said Sapuwang in reference to Safwan hehehe I find that cute)

♡

a plot twist

He's coming to work at Dengkil.

Of all places. 

Dengkil. 

Of all people. 

Him. 

You see, it could have been him. But no. 

It's him alright. 

Of all times. 

When I thought I had things figured out with him. Stable. 

Of all times. 

When I'm in such a vulnerable state with him. 
Facing this fukcing thing alone, without him. 

Dear Allah, is this a test for the three of us? 

No, not for one second am I questioning 

nor have I questioned your plan for me. 
Forgive me if I have. 

It's just 

Well 

Is it okay if I know why this is happening? 

I really would like to handle this properly.  

To be fair 

To him 

To him 

To me

And still have Your barakah and blessings.

Dear Allah, can all of this be possible? 

Because I honestly thought this only happens in movies 

where people make such ridiculous stories up and laugh about it. 

Let them smirk if they knew this part of my story. I can't. 

It's not ridiculous. It's really happening. 

And I'm nervous. 

Dear Allah, 

Benar. 

Jodoh itu sampai bila-bila pun rahsiaMu.