Ada hikmah bais fail dua paper.
Allah brought him closer to us.
Ironi nya dia stay there longer.
All the best bais ♡
Allah is teaching you to become a better person, in academic and in life and in the life-after.
We miss you.

Come home.

"I didn't get an invitation. I'm hurt," he teased.

"Consider yourself invited. It's supposedly my party, so I should be able to ask who I want."

"Thanks," he said sarcastically, and his eyes slipping closed once more.

"I wish you could come," I said without any hope. "It would be more fun. For me, I mean."

"Sure, sure," he mumbled. "That would be ... very ... ... wise ..." His voice trailed off. A few seconds later, he was snoring.

Poor Jacob. I studied his dreaming face, and liked what I saw. While he slept, every trace of defensiveness and bitterness disappeared and suddenly he was the boy who had been my very best friend before all the werewolf nonsense had gotten in the way. He looked much younger. He looked like my Jacob.

Bella

Eclipse, The Twilight Saga.

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets (2002)

dear hajar, make good choices.

"It's nice to understand, though. And I do understand your perspective, Bella, I truly do. But I'd like it very much if you'd try to consider mine."

I'd sobered up by then, so I nodded and struggled to keep the frown off my face. His liquid golden eyes turned hypnotic as they held mine.

"You see Bella, I was always that boy. In my world, I was already a man. I wasn't looking for love - no, I was too eager to be a soldier for that. But if I had found ..." Edward paused, cocking his head to the side. "I was going to say if I had found someone, but that won't do. If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have - as soon as discovered that you were what I was looking for - gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand for eternity."

He smiled his crooked smile at me. I stared at him with my eyes frozen wide.

"Breathe, Bella," he reminded me, smiling.

Eclipse, The Twilight Saga.

Responsibility.

It is not a talent, it's a skill.
It is something you learn and practice. "Saya tak reti ni" does not exist.

It is a choice. If you don't feel like having one, you won't do much really. Living the day as it is, nothing is bothering you.

It is a choice. If you have one or some and you feel it's too much, you stop halfway. Hopefully no one catches you, or better yet let someone else take care of it.

Or, if you have one or some and you feel it's too much, you pause. 'Why is it wrong' or maybe 'Why is it too much?'. And very much soon, you see several solutions lying around you.

And all of these (possible) choices Allah yang letak. Kita pilih.

Dari situ datang takkan ubah nasib insan kalau ia sendiri tak ubah. Dari situ Allah hadiahkan skill kalau kita try.

Dah besar dah. So I'm looking at life differently.

... ... forever. You and me, every day.

a fool

it hurts when one pretended to love me.

didn't see an obvious lie.

it makes me look like a fool.

it hurts when one kept me from the truth.

thought i got the whole story.

it makes me look like a fool.

duhh. i am a bloody fool.

and why on earth can't people be honest and open?

hiding doesn't make you any better.

you double bloody fool.

Drove a colleague/friend back home. After a while, looking ahead, she whispered

Hajar, pernah tak terima news kematian orang terdekat dengan you? Close friend ke, family ke ...

*got caught in good long thought*

I remember this part quite clearly, I didn't want to lose what I felt that day. It happened in 2011, I even mentioned it once here: No Title. It wasn't a death one, and I didn't even know why she asked. But whatever that made her ask that personal question, I wanted to calm her down. It might be something, it might also be nothing, so I told her this.

No actually. Tak pernah. But there was once my dad got into accident masa outstation, and that alone got me off guard. I was in my final sem degree, finishing up the group report bagai. Got the call from my mom, I terduduk dan terdiam. He was driving to Perak and hujan and the car skidded and crashed. My head was spinning, but she said that everything was fine and that he only patah kaki. Knowing how my mom would always bermanis kata untuk tak bagi I risau, I couldn't believe her. There must be more to it, I was sure. My eyes started to well up. And I still terdiam, serabut a bit sebab I really couldn't calm myself down my dad accident and sebab this group paper is due soon. So I cried and cried, and she kept on convincing that he was alright, just went into operation theater untuk betulkan the kaki. But all I heard was 'operation', and I lagi nangis.

Ok ok you know what. Book a bus ticket, my mom said. Come here and see him for yourself. Bring your report with you, finish it up after he is out from the operation. He can actually be discharged tomorrow, but we plan to stay here a few nights so pack some clothes too.

Listening to that instruction was a relief, man. Huge relief. I could see my dad and still finish up the work. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears and pulled myself together. Grabbed the keys to my Kancil, went to the bus station and booked a ticket to Ipoh. Went back home, packed my things, said short goodbye to close friends, and took the bus. True enough, he only patah kaki and my dad was smiling. Good God, alhamdulillah.

But you know, from that day onward, I realized now why Allah gave that 'terduduk' moment. He could take my parents away anytime, He really can, masyaAllah. If the accident boleh buat I terduduk, macam mana pulak adik-adik? How would they feel or react kalau betul our parents pass away before us? Ara manja. She's a tough cookie, she really is but at times she can easily break down. Sofia, hands down is emotional. So I can only rely on Bais if this happens masa kte tak kuat. He is strong enuf to be the doer, and I would imitate and do whatever he is doing. You know, untuk handle the pengurusan: mandian, kapan, semua. Then the next few months nanti macam mana pulak? Kte sulung, kte sedar sekarang yang kte have to be strong one no matter what. And training myself to be one is difficult. Imagining my parents dead, imagining adik-adik mourning. I don't think I'll ever be ready, to be the rock or to even face the death.




Initially I wanted to calm my friend down by telling such personal experience. Now I didn't know why I said all that. Instead, I was the one being calmed. Allah's hidayah comes in many forms. This time, He gave me a friend who looks at things differently. Because she then talked about her discussion with her fiance, the 'what if' and what to do if one of them passes away. A healthy discussion, I should say. And that discussion got me good. You see, it's not easy to deal with this alone, like what I've been doing. It hasn't been working all this time. I easily welled-up and got all sobbing, and I immediately dismissed the idea, not even thinking about it totally. Great work, hajar.

But how do I actually start this conversation with adik-adik?

hati-hati

masa dekat Melbourne,

sejak berkawan dengan circle baru,

rata-rata semua perempuan.

tak nak berkawan dengan boys.

konon nak jaga image diri.



tapi sejak balik dari Melbourne,

habit berkawan dengan girls dah lekat.

but this time, niat dah pasang.

fitnah diri sendiri kena jaga.

i make sure my close friends are down to girls only.

i make myself a bit formal with the boys too.

ape masalah berkawan dengan boys? kawan je kan.

okayyy. so let's say this happens.

it starts dengan hey you dekat KL?? tak cakap pun kan! how are you? jom catch up.

then you would ibu, aisya nak keluar jap esok. jumpa kawan lama.

laki ke perempuan?

laki. kawan je.

ibu start curious. bapak diam.



another one. same situation.

awak, esok saya keluar dengan azman. dia ajak catch up.

oh. berdua je?

aah. takpe, takde pape pun.

dia mula 'ye ke?'.



the situation.

you go to a nice cafe, drinks and meals, chat, a few giggle and laughter.

eh, dah lain la dia ni. ish skang bukan main. makin matang, ada style.

hm dia ni sama macam dulu. ketawa dia, gaya dia. eh kata ada boyfriend.

hey we should do this again tau. really nice to see you.

orang keliling pandang, shoot curious glances. girlfriend dia kot.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

is it okay?

the situation. is it okay?

hahaha. biarla. itu orang rasa. bukan kita boleh control pun.

i pun dapat pahala.

memang. tapi nikmat apa yang boleh kita dapat dengan pahala macam tu?



betul. mungkin exaggerate bila kte cerita macam ni. and you see, it starts with a simple 'keluar' dan 'jumpa sekejap'. lepas balik rumah, you berbalas message emoticon dan gelak tawa, and slowly you would remind yourself 'ini takpe'. bila dia lebih-lebih sikit kita kata 'eh ni takpe jugak kot'.

hati-hati.

it could be the synonym of berjaga-jaga.

jaga fitnah yang kita timbulkan. yang kita boleh control adalah perangai diri sendiri. the less is more.

it could also be the plural form of hati.

hati kita terjaga bila kita jaga perangai sendiri. hati-hati insan sekeliling pun lebih terjaga.




boleh je girls berkawan dengan boys. boys berkawan dengan girls.

semoga bila kita jaga batas dan kata-kata kita, Allah pun pelihara kita.

because in this case, it's taking into account both meanings.

wallahu a'lam.

personal experience, in a really twisted way. can't put in that much truths.

and no, i don't know who this azman is. it's fictional and random.

blind faith

A lesson for me too.

bump

it hurt.

it tore us from the inside out.

but it was necessary. it made me realize that slow talk was the key.

this time, let's go through bumps together.

compromise

"Tapi saya tak reti. Ok, buat masa ni kita settle dengan 'selamat malam' dulu eh?"


I smiled. He's giving me options. Okay I can live with that.


Hopefully the 'settlement' is not for long. Ameen. Allah knows best.

lapar ye

three days ago

balik dari UM

singgah drive thru Starbucks.

ordered Dark Mocha Panna Cotta Frap.

a wee bit tired. had a terrible day with the boss. didn't get to lunch properly

"ok ada apa-apa lagi cik?"

er korang ada apa lagi eh~? lapar la.

"oh ok. cik nak makan apa? nak sandwich ke, muffin ke. kami ada pasta jugak yadayadayada"

er ok patah balik dekat muffin tadi. ada muffin apa eh?

and I heard something about muffin with peanuts and chocolate muffin

couldn't focus really. ordered the chocolate one. can't go wrong with it.

unless if the muffin is not moist and dry. but I doubt Starbucks has dry muffins.

so drove the car a bit further to make payment.

to my huge surprise, a guy was standing behind the glass window, talking thru the headpiece.

yea he was smiling as I got nearer. sheepishly, I would say.

"hehehe. lapar ye" he said.

oh gosh you can imagine how terrible I blushed. wouldn't have mengadu lapar nak-makan-ape-eh just now. I honestly thought I was talking to a girl. she sounded soo ... well, like a 'she'. professional even.

well it's a he now. weird. didn't sound like what I had heard just now, though. but too tired to think of why and how.

would have been a bit formal and jaga-sempadan a bit if I knew I was talking to a guy. to some random guy.

and that kind of smile made me realize that I had crossed the line, His line.

can't be rude to the guy either. so I said yea tu la lapar jugak. I smiled back.

so I stopped right there. anything I say further would only lead him to teasing me back which then leads to gelak tawa which makes things much worse.

you know, he could have asked baru balik ke, tadi tak lunch ke, kesianyaaa kinda question but he didn't. and I am thankful that he too didn't say or ask anything further. and he still couldn't wear out that ei-comel-gila-this-girl smile.



hahaha cepatla kasi drink tuu

Am I worth fighting for?

rindu. tau tak rindu?

balik malaysia cepat. nak peluk.

hadiah

Awak, awak ingat saya tak rasa apa yang awak rasa? Saya pun tak nak rasa ni lama-lama.




Happy birthday, hajar aisyah.

hurt

it doesn't hurt to say i love you.

it only hurts when you don't mean it.





how scary is that?

YouTube: The Theory Of Everything (2014)

kerja da siap, final exam papers da ready

let me be a tad mushy, just for a little while

it is, after all, my favourite month of the year

heart to heart

Bais and I were gardening at that time. 

Ibu too; she left soon after and went inside. Dah maghrib ni, I thought. 

"Akak ..." he called me after a while, almost like a whisper to my ears. 

"Ape perasaan akak masa akak fail paper kat Melbourne hari tu?" 

I paused. Weird, I thought, for him to ask personal question like that. 

Perasaan. 

It's not like him to know what or how I feel, I can assure you that. Hehe. 

So I didn't know if I should give a personal answer or make a joke out of it. 

Tangan still cabut rumput, I waited for his giggle at the end of his question. 

And because we were not facing each other, I tried to sense his smile or even a smirk when he asked. 

But nothing was there. 

So I went with my first instinct. I told him things I'd never said before. 

And I knew why he wanted to know this. I understood why he asked. 

And I was talking, it felt like a part of me is being exposed. 

Cliche, I thought. Of course it would feel that way. So I kept on explaining. 

Then, I could feel something that I'd never felt before. 

I felt nervous talking to him. He was quiet, though. I couldn't see him, but I could hear his hands had slowed down. There were less movement. He was into his own thoughts, taking my words one by one, digesting them. 

You can imagine me stuttering, too cautious with my words. I had never talked to him like this before. He had never paid attention like this before. 

But deep down, I was sincere. Allah has given me back my long 'lost' brother, and I truly appreciate the new him.

and how I love him even more. 

marah bukan tanda benci

Let me be a tad mushy tonight.


People pass this on for generations.
Saying that marah itu tanda sayang.
I don't get it.
Not then. Not even now.
At least not till 1 hour ago.

"Saya marah sebab benda tak kena tempat. Marah saya bukan tanda benci."

He said.

And I loved the words. I've never heard of it before. And it made me fully understand the previously mentioned cliché.

I realise now, that Allah wants this to work. That He wants 'us' to work. That's why He sent those words through you, it's calmed me down. A bit.

Thank you for coming into my life. I look forward to learning more from and about you.


Nak letak symbol jap.

♡

Okay there.