20 Feb 2016

I still remember that day. 

Allah is the best planner, and His plan outcasts others. 

What was intended to be an intimate pertemuan dua family (his parents and siblings and mine) eventually became a small majlis. And alhamdulillah it was just as intimate as how I imagined it would be when I was having usrah in Melbourne. Cousins near and far came, Shaza and Wanie and Nadia, uncles and aunties. We even had Bais streaming live from Sydney via Skype. He wore green baju melayu; the same scheme that my sisters and parents were wearing! Oh soo much love for my boy :)

And everything else happened so fast. One minute I was in my room trying hard to eavesdrop, the next minute I was seated at our living room. The next thing I knew, his mother was sitting next to me and asked for my hand. Already! What had they discussed just now??

Trying to steady myself when she turned to me, and she had the engagement ring with her. We both locked our eyes down on my finger and the ring. Having the crowd before us, she then slowly slipped the engagement ring on my finger. With bismillah, she whispered just low enough for my ears to catch her words "I hereby tunangkan Hajar dengan Safwan."

Of all the things that were blurry for me, this I remember. It was out of the blue, and I felt this new burden fell onto my shoulder and onto my lap (and onto the ring!). Not a burden per se, but a new unfamiliar responsibility rushed into me when his mother lafaz just now. "I am now tunang orang" I said to myself. Aib dan hati sendiri kena jaga lebih, hati dia kena jaga, aib dia dan family kena jaga, aib family sendiri lebih lagi. Whoa. 

Moga Allah lindungi hati saya dan awak. Moga ada keberkatan Dia dalam majlis keramaian ini. Moga pertemuan hati-hati ini ada rahmat Dia, sentiasa di atas jalan Dia. 

alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah

(she actually said Sapuwang in reference to Safwan hehehe I find that cute)

♡

compromise

"Tapi saya tak reti. Ok, buat masa ni kita settle dengan 'selamat malam' dulu eh?"


I smiled. He's giving me options. Okay I can live with that.


Hopefully the 'settlement' is not for long. Ameen. Allah knows best.

hadiah

Awak, awak ingat saya tak rasa apa yang awak rasa? Saya pun tak nak rasa ni lama-lama.




Happy birthday, hajar aisyah.

marah bukan tanda benci

Let me be a tad mushy tonight.


People pass this on for generations.
Saying that marah itu tanda sayang.
I don't get it.
Not then. Not even now.
At least not till 1 hour ago.

"Saya marah sebab benda tak kena tempat. Marah saya bukan tanda benci."

He said.

And I loved the words. I've never heard of it before. And it made me fully understand the previously mentioned cliché.

I realise now, that Allah wants this to work. That He wants 'us' to work. That's why He sent those words through you, it's calmed me down. A bit.

Thank you for coming into my life. I look forward to learning more from and about you.


Nak letak symbol jap.

♡

Okay there.

I'm in love with The Loaf
and everything we had the other day.
With what I felt that day.
With the way you made me feel that day.
Betul. Allah pinjamkan rasa ini untuk saya hari itu, melalui awak.
Moga Allah izinkan saya untuk simpan rasa ini, dan memayungi awak dengan kasihNya sentiasa.

Let's go again some time.

a letter for the future

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), these are your aunties and uncle. 

Should you find yourselves in frustration when arguing with me, always turn to them. They will be the ones in agreement of how stubborn I am/was. Of how my fuse can be easily triggered into temper. Of how easily I forget how to love people around me. 

They will teach you so much about love and life. About ups and downs. About family and friends. They will pull you out when you fall into a dark hole. And they will remind you that they love you over and over again. 

Then they will hug you and take you to the movies and sing few songs and whatnot. If you're too young, an ice cream should do. The flavour is on you. 

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), 

currently I am in no position to say what kind of mother I will be. I'm learning so much, so much so, I think that being a mother is scaring the hell out of me. 

But I do know that your future father and I could make a good team in raising you up. He said that himself. It is my prayer all night too. To give you pocket money to school, to surround you with good friends, to show you how amazing Rasul Allah and his sahabats are, to teach you eating manners, and other manners for that matter whether in actions or in words. 

I may trip and stumble when saying all of this, and my actions may prove the opposite. But I hope that you'll come back to me, and I could come back to you. Talk about what upsets you, and what upsets me. We can compromise. Edward Cullen taught me that. 

"It's okay. You have given me options that you can live with. I chose the one that I can live with. It's called compromise." 

Can't believe I remember his words. Let alone quoting him here. But he's a gentleman. I like the way he sees things. 

Let's build a mahligai yang disukai Allah. 

Lots of love from your nervous future mother, 

me. 

Dia nak datang raya. 

*kemas kemas*

"Flirting is new to me, but I like it."

-Hazel Graze, 

The Fault In Our Stars. 

When you have time, 

do read this 

In The Pursuit of Marriage

the big L

The infamous four-letter word.

It's a different feeling, this time.
I froze.

because after all those shitty things I did,
you stayed.





masyaAllah.

you stayed.





and now, i want to be the best. for you.

supaya kata-kata manis awak

halal untuk saya dengar.

:)

startled

i'd love to start again.

i don't know how to tell you that.