hurt

it doesn't hurt to say i love you.

it only hurts when you don't mean it.





how scary is that?

YouTube: The Theory Of Everything (2014)

kerja da siap, final exam papers da ready

let me be a tad mushy, just for a little while

it is, after all, my favourite month of the year

heart to heart

Bais and I were gardening at that time. 

Ibu too; she left soon after and went inside. Dah maghrib ni, I thought. 

"Akak ..." he called me after a while, almost like a whisper to my ears. 

"Ape perasaan akak masa akak fail paper kat Melbourne hari tu?" 

I paused. Weird, I thought, for him to ask personal question like that. 

Perasaan. 

It's not like him to know what or how I feel, I can assure you that. Hehe. 

So I didn't know if I should give a personal answer or make a joke out of it. 

Tangan still cabut rumput, I waited for his giggle at the end of his question. 

And because we were not facing each other, I tried to sense his smile or even a smirk when he asked. 

But nothing was there. 

So I went with my first instinct. I told him things I'd never said before. 

And I knew why he wanted to know this. I understood why he asked. 

And I was talking, it felt like a part of me is being exposed. 

Cliche, I thought. Of course it would feel that way. So I kept on explaining. 

Then, I could feel something that I'd never felt before. 

I felt nervous talking to him. He was quiet, though. I couldn't see him, but I could hear his hands had slowed down. There were less movement. He was into his own thoughts, taking my words one by one, digesting them. 

You can imagine me stuttering, too cautious with my words. I had never talked to him like this before. He had never paid attention like this before. 

But deep down, I was sincere. Allah has given me back my long 'lost' brother, and I truly appreciate the new him.

and how I love him even more. 

marah bukan tanda benci

Let me be a tad mushy tonight.


People pass this on for generations.
Saying that marah itu tanda sayang.
I don't get it.
Not then. Not even now.
At least not till 1 hour ago.

"Saya marah sebab benda tak kena tempat. Marah saya bukan tanda benci."

He said.

And I loved the words. I've never heard of it before. And it made me fully understand the previously mentioned cliché.

I realise now, that Allah wants this to work. That He wants 'us' to work. That's why He sent those words through you, it's calmed me down. A bit.

Thank you for coming into my life. I look forward to learning more from and about you.


Nak letak symbol jap.

♡

Okay there.

I'm in love with The Loaf
and everything we had the other day.
With what I felt that day.
With the way you made me feel that day.
Betul. Allah pinjamkan rasa ini untuk saya hari itu, melalui awak.
Moga Allah izinkan saya untuk simpan rasa ini, dan memayungi awak dengan kasihNya sentiasa.

Let's go again some time.

a letter for the future

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), these are your aunties and uncle. 

Should you find yourselves in frustration when arguing with me, always turn to them. They will be the ones in agreement of how stubborn I am/was. Of how my fuse can be easily triggered into temper. Of how easily I forget how to love people around me. 

They will teach you so much about love and life. About ups and downs. About family and friends. They will pull you out when you fall into a dark hole. And they will remind you that they love you over and over again. 

Then they will hug you and take you to the movies and sing few songs and whatnot. If you're too young, an ice cream should do. The flavour is on you. 

Dear future daughter(s) and son(s), 

currently I am in no position to say what kind of mother I will be. I'm learning so much, so much so, I think that being a mother is scaring the hell out of me. 

But I do know that your future father and I could make a good team in raising you up. He said that himself. It is my prayer all night too. To give you pocket money to school, to surround you with good friends, to show you how amazing Rasul Allah and his sahabats are, to teach you eating manners, and other manners for that matter whether in actions or in words. 

I may trip and stumble when saying all of this, and my actions may prove the opposite. But I hope that you'll come back to me, and I could come back to you. Talk about what upsets you, and what upsets me. We can compromise. Edward Cullen taught me that. 

"It's okay. You have given me options that you can live with. I chose the one that I can live with. It's called compromise." 

Can't believe I remember his words. Let alone quoting him here. But he's a gentleman. I like the way he sees things. 

Let's build a mahligai yang disukai Allah. 

Lots of love from your nervous future mother, 

me. 

rindu itu terkadang tak kenal tempat dan masa

Hati tertaut pada Melbourne.
Pada kawan seperjuangan yang petah, bijak bicara.
Pada gelak tawa tika bertukar kisah air mata.
Pada rakan yang mengingatkan kita kenapa kita diturunkan dari syurga yang sempurna. Yang mengajar kita di mana manisnya persahabatan. Dan rindu itu semahunya diluahkan. Diceritakan. Tapi siapa yang nak dengar?
Lalu Allah kirimkan dia untuk berbual dan menarik semula saya ke tanah. Telah jauh saya dibuai kealpaan bayu. MasyaAllah. Allah buang alpa saya tentang Dia. Buang alpa saya tentang kemanisan itu. Maha Besar Dia tahu macam mana nak pujuk saya. Lembut saya ditarik.

Benar. Mungkin saya rindu berbicara denganNya. Mengadu domba dan bercerita denganNya. Rindu pada rakan yang mengaitkan kisah 2014 dengan kisah para Rasul.

Good friends, good company.