a fool

it hurts when one pretended to love me.

didn't see an obvious lie.

it makes me look like a fool.

it hurts when one kept me from the truth.

thought i got the whole story.

it makes me look like a fool.

duhh. i am a bloody fool.

and why on earth can't people be honest and open?

hiding doesn't make you any better.

you double bloody fool.

Drove a colleague/friend back home. After a while, looking ahead, she whispered

Hajar, pernah tak terima news kematian orang terdekat dengan you? Close friend ke, family ke ...

*got caught in good long thought*

I remember this part quite clearly, I didn't want to lose what I felt that day. It happened in 2011, I even mentioned it once here: No Title. It wasn't a death one, and I didn't even know why she asked. But whatever that made her ask that personal question, I wanted to calm her down. It might be something, it might also be nothing, so I told her this.

No actually. Tak pernah. But there was once my dad got into accident masa outstation, and that alone got me off guard. I was in my final sem degree, finishing up the group report bagai. Got the call from my mom, I terduduk dan terdiam. He was driving to Perak and hujan and the car skidded and crashed. My head was spinning, but she said that everything was fine and that he only patah kaki. Knowing how my mom would always bermanis kata untuk tak bagi I risau, I couldn't believe her. There must be more to it, I was sure. My eyes started to well up. And I still terdiam, serabut a bit sebab I really couldn't calm myself down my dad accident and sebab this group paper is due soon. So I cried and cried, and she kept on convincing that he was alright, just went into operation theater untuk betulkan the kaki. But all I heard was 'operation', and I lagi nangis.

Ok ok you know what. Book a bus ticket, my mom said. Come here and see him for yourself. Bring your report with you, finish it up after he is out from the operation. He can actually be discharged tomorrow, but we plan to stay here a few nights so pack some clothes too.

Listening to that instruction was a relief, man. Huge relief. I could see my dad and still finish up the work. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears and pulled myself together. Grabbed the keys to my Kancil, went to the bus station and booked a ticket to Ipoh. Went back home, packed my things, said short goodbye to close friends, and took the bus. True enough, he only patah kaki and my dad was smiling. Good God, alhamdulillah.

But you know, from that day onward, I realized now why Allah gave that 'terduduk' moment. He could take my parents away anytime, He really can, masyaAllah. If the accident boleh buat I terduduk, macam mana pulak adik-adik? How would they feel or react kalau betul our parents pass away before us? Ara manja. She's a tough cookie, she really is but at times she can easily break down. Sofia, hands down is emotional. So I can only rely on Bais if this happens masa kte tak kuat. He is strong enuf to be the doer, and I would imitate and do whatever he is doing. You know, untuk handle the pengurusan: mandian, kapan, semua. Then the next few months nanti macam mana pulak? Kte sulung, kte sedar sekarang yang kte have to be strong one no matter what. And training myself to be one is difficult. Imagining my parents dead, imagining adik-adik mourning. I don't think I'll ever be ready, to be the rock or to even face the death.




Initially I wanted to calm my friend down by telling such personal experience. Now I didn't know why I said all that. Instead, I was the one being calmed. Allah's hidayah comes in many forms. This time, He gave me a friend who looks at things differently. Because she then talked about her discussion with her fiance, the 'what if' and what to do if one of them passes away. A healthy discussion, I should say. And that discussion got me good. You see, it's not easy to deal with this alone, like what I've been doing. It hasn't been working all this time. I easily welled-up and got all sobbing, and I immediately dismissed the idea, not even thinking about it totally. Great work, hajar.

But how do I actually start this conversation with adik-adik?

hati-hati

masa dekat Melbourne,

sejak berkawan dengan circle baru,

rata-rata semua perempuan.

tak nak berkawan dengan boys.

konon nak jaga image diri.



tapi sejak balik dari Melbourne,

habit berkawan dengan girls dah lekat.

but this time, niat dah pasang.

fitnah diri sendiri kena jaga.

i make sure my close friends are down to girls only.

i make myself a bit formal with the boys too.

ape masalah berkawan dengan boys? kawan je kan.

okayyy. so let's say this happens.

it starts dengan hey you dekat KL?? tak cakap pun kan! how are you? jom catch up.

then you would ibu, aisya nak keluar jap esok. jumpa kawan lama.

laki ke perempuan?

laki. kawan je.

ibu start curious. bapak diam.



another one. same situation.

awak, esok saya keluar dengan azman. dia ajak catch up.

oh. berdua je?

aah. takpe, takde pape pun.

dia mula 'ye ke?'.



the situation.

you go to a nice cafe, drinks and meals, chat, a few giggle and laughter.

eh, dah lain la dia ni. ish skang bukan main. makin matang, ada style.

hm dia ni sama macam dulu. ketawa dia, gaya dia. eh kata ada boyfriend.

hey we should do this again tau. really nice to see you.

orang keliling pandang, shoot curious glances. girlfriend dia kot.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

is it okay?

the situation. is it okay?

hahaha. biarla. itu orang rasa. bukan kita boleh control pun.

i pun dapat pahala.

memang. tapi nikmat apa yang boleh kita dapat dengan pahala macam tu?



betul. mungkin exaggerate bila kte cerita macam ni. and you see, it starts with a simple 'keluar' dan 'jumpa sekejap'. lepas balik rumah, you berbalas message emoticon dan gelak tawa, and slowly you would remind yourself 'ini takpe'. bila dia lebih-lebih sikit kita kata 'eh ni takpe jugak kot'.

hati-hati.

it could be the synonym of berjaga-jaga.

jaga fitnah yang kita timbulkan. yang kita boleh control adalah perangai diri sendiri. the less is more.

it could also be the plural form of hati.

hati kita terjaga bila kita jaga perangai sendiri. hati-hati insan sekeliling pun lebih terjaga.




boleh je girls berkawan dengan boys. boys berkawan dengan girls.

semoga bila kita jaga batas dan kata-kata kita, Allah pun pelihara kita.

because in this case, it's taking into account both meanings.

wallahu a'lam.

personal experience, in a really twisted way. can't put in that much truths.

and no, i don't know who this azman is. it's fictional and random.

blind faith

A lesson for me too.

bump

it hurt.

it tore us from the inside out.

but it was necessary. it made me realize that slow talk was the key.

this time, let's go through bumps together.

compromise

"Tapi saya tak reti. Ok, buat masa ni kita settle dengan 'selamat malam' dulu eh?"


I smiled. He's giving me options. Okay I can live with that.


Hopefully the 'settlement' is not for long. Ameen. Allah knows best.

lapar ye

three days ago

balik dari UM

singgah drive thru Starbucks.

ordered Dark Mocha Panna Cotta Frap.

a wee bit tired. had a terrible day with the boss. didn't get to lunch properly

"ok ada apa-apa lagi cik?"

er korang ada apa lagi eh~? lapar la.

"oh ok. cik nak makan apa? nak sandwich ke, muffin ke. kami ada pasta jugak yadayadayada"

er ok patah balik dekat muffin tadi. ada muffin apa eh?

and I heard something about muffin with peanuts and chocolate muffin

couldn't focus really. ordered the chocolate one. can't go wrong with it.

unless if the muffin is not moist and dry. but I doubt Starbucks has dry muffins.

so drove the car a bit further to make payment.

to my huge surprise, a guy was standing behind the glass window, talking thru the headpiece.

yea he was smiling as I got nearer. sheepishly, I would say.

"hehehe. lapar ye" he said.

oh gosh you can imagine how terrible I blushed. wouldn't have mengadu lapar nak-makan-ape-eh just now. I honestly thought I was talking to a girl. she sounded soo ... well, like a 'she'. professional even.

well it's a he now. weird. didn't sound like what I had heard just now, though. but too tired to think of why and how.

would have been a bit formal and jaga-sempadan a bit if I knew I was talking to a guy. to some random guy.

and that kind of smile made me realize that I had crossed the line, His line.

can't be rude to the guy either. so I said yea tu la lapar jugak. I smiled back.

so I stopped right there. anything I say further would only lead him to teasing me back which then leads to gelak tawa which makes things much worse.

you know, he could have asked baru balik ke, tadi tak lunch ke, kesianyaaa kinda question but he didn't. and I am thankful that he too didn't say or ask anything further. and he still couldn't wear out that ei-comel-gila-this-girl smile.



hahaha cepatla kasi drink tuu